What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Randomize
