matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
You ever have a fart follow you around?
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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