yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
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