can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
