I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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