the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Randomize
