Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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