Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
