I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
