Girls should come with a carfax report
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Randomize
