your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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