you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
