Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
