I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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