So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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