I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
