oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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