How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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