Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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