The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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