my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
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