Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
