Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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