Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
