If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
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We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
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One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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