Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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