I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
