You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
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