Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
