Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I think i got beer on your cat.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
