If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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