she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
A bitchslap is in order.
Randomize
