Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
