just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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