look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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