My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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