Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
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