I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
