Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
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