Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Randomize
