I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
So many bounce houses so little time
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Found the puke drawer
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Randomize
