tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
