Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
