Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
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