so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
