Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
