I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
"I licked someones beard, because I can."