Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.