So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
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Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
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Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!