How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?