i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
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It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
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well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship