I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
