I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
