I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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