Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
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