Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
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I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
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There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
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