What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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