I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
