I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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