I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
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