I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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