you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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