Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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