Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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